the opportunity to suck at something

I'd like to use this opportunity to suck at something.

I grew up with a lot of pressure to be the best at everything I did, which mostly came from my father, I think. I was put here to live out his unfulfilled dreams or something.

My dad is an Italian immigrant, ex-drug addict, construction worker who spends more time than I do self-grooming, including getting regular manicures. He's also reads the Times and the NY Post cover to cover every day and is obsessed with peace signs. He powerwashed a peace sign into the driveway and also has one manicured onto his left pinky nail at all times. Every time I go home to visit he asks me to help him out in some kind of self-grooming habit. "Hey uh Jess, would mind uh just trimmin the back ova hea-" My mother can't be bothered.

Last time I went home I found a 4-foot tall pot plant growing in the backyard garden.
"Dad, what the hell is that."
"Uh, ya know, ah, it's nothing. Some guys from the job were -uh- joking around and had some -uh- seeds so I wanted to -uh- test it out, ya know, see what would grow."
He's the worst liar. I take after him.

When he's not in his hippied-out stoner zone ranting about politics, he's worshipping everything I do.

In about 2nd grade a wrote a short essay from the perspective of a fetus. "How warm and cozy it is in here! I don't ever wanna leave! Oh no- somethings moving, what's going on.. ahh!!" It won some kind of award in the writing contest that year, and so after celebrating the fact his baby girl was gonna be a famous writer one day, my dad had it framed and hung up in the living room, along with all the photos of me from school and ballet and the baseball team that he coached. To this day if you walk in their house, nothing has been taken down. Ya know how most families will replace the school picture every year with a new one? Well mine are all up there in a row so you get the yearly progression of my frizzy hair and GAP outfits.

Phone conversations with him are the best.
"Hey hun, how ya doin?"
"Oh ya know, I'm good, just started workin on a new dance piece-"
"AHH thank God! I knew you were gonna back into dance eventually. Rememba those shows you did at Studio Workshop? You were amazing! I swear da Gad, it was like a broadway production with you."
And he often checks in to see if I'm still writing.
"Your so TALENTED jess, you gotta keep writin. I wish I could put words togetha like you can. ya know. Keep it up, hun. Thats how Sylvester Stallone got started. After he wrote Rocky there was nothin getting in his way of bein the star of the movie."

I haven't quite put all the pieces together, but I think all of this must have something to do with my commitment issues.

So like I mentioned earlier, I'd like to dedicate this interpretive dance to Dad and to "sucking at something" just because I can....