inspiration from nature

* The seeds of some trees are so tightly compacted within their
protective covering that only the intense heat of a forest fire can free
them, allowing them to sprout.

* Anthropologists say that in every culture in history, children have played
the game hide and seek.

* With every dawn, when first light penetrates the sea, many seahorse
colonies perform a dance to the sun.

class

got back into dance class this week and feel great. ballet class, actually. amazing how things can come full circle.
it feels freeing to be in class again with the live piano moving me.
very different from the self-tormenting / body-hating days of my past.

realizing the benefits of a regular physical practice -
not only feels good in my body and mind, but i feel more like myself and more connected to the world.

body speaking, i'm listening

got my period. closing off another cycle. starting a new one.

i have my swan lake tutu and 10 pages of material i wrote a few night ago after a good long cry.

not sure how it will all piece together. trying to stay open and let my body lead the way.

magicians

magicians in my life seem to be a theme.

a google alert yesterday brought me to the website of Jimmy Grippo - a magician, hypnotist, and heavy weight boxing trainer...

it's funny, because weeks ago when I met with the random theater/producer guy, he asked me if I was related to Jimmy Grippo. he knew of him in the context of being a boxing trainer.

now that i know more about him, who knows? i might actually be related.

alchemy

started 2 new workshops - both changing my life.
isn't that what this is all about?

alchemy.

i chose the alchemist card in an archetype exercise we were doing in Victoria's workshop.
in Heather's workshop, i met a man in class who i was so instantly drawn to, i don't know what to make of it yet. my work in the class is evolving into themes of the moon, the ocean, my period.

have to come up with 30-60 seconds of material for Victoria's class. not sure what to do yet.

thinking about sex a lot these days, especially in relationship to spirituality and healing.
sacred prostitution, courtesans...
talking about alchemy, i realized that in addition to The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho also wrote 11 Minutes which is one of my absolute favorite books - about a prostitute named Maria and her journey into finding love. i'll never forget the scene where she has a spontaneous orgasm just standing in the street.

i want to read that book again.

period

got my period yesterday. finally.
feels great to menstruate.
a part of me is regretting going out last night and drinking a little bit and not getting much sleep. wanting to stay open to the intuitive message at this point in my cycle, and fearful that i might have somehow interfered with that. also don't want to negate all the amazing work i did in pilates. was feeling great in my body, and still am, but just a bit uncomfortable in the belly.
i'm going to release all these fears back into the universe and trust that i will receive the messages i need to, trust that my body will show me the way, trust that everything is blossoming at exactly the right time.
breathe....

say cheese

out last night with nuli and her new friend, i somehow found myself standing up and performing interpretive dances to embody different kinds of cheeses.

when i got home at 2am, still wired, i decided to create a video log of the experience...

dream dictation & divine inspiration

woke up early, still partly in dream land, after remembering a vivid dream.

in the dream:
i showed up to teach a workshop, but the people before me took so long that i didn't have time and everyone left except my mom and her friend. so i decided to improvise a performance instead of giving the workshop talk i had planned. i start stretching my leg in arabesque and speaking in a bad British accent, "I usta eat alotta peaches..." and went on to tell some of my own story.

i woke up at that moment and began writing as if someone was dictating to me. if i got stuck i would just stop and close my eyes and wait and then i would hear it and know what to write. it was amazing. i wrote 2 pages of material that i think finally links all the little pieces i've been trying to puzzle together.

maybe that's why i've been sleeping so much this week. i am in my luteal phase, so more receptive to divine inspiration ;)

success

they say that fear of success holds people back much more than fear of failure. i believe it. it's safe, easy, familiar to fail. success on the other hand, brings responsibility, pressure to continue succeeding, judgment, and the big one that gets me - people not liking you!
in school, i used to get answers wrong on tests on purpose just so i wouldn't get a 100% - i didn't want people to hate me because i was smarter than them.
so i think if i really want to be successful as an artist, i need to come to terms with the fact that not everyone will like me and not everyone will like my art. bottom line.
maybe i should start practicing?

MGP first round

met yesterday with the girls from Heather's workshop for our first MGP: Mostly Girls Performing.

it was great to be in a community of women creating and expressing and sharing.

i didn't have a piece so much as a whole bunch of crap to say in a search for some kind of coming together. i don't think i trusted myself enough. i wrote out this whole segment on Mom stories but i think it would've been better to keep it in written form. i tried to get it all in as i was performing, rather than just improvising and letting whatever needed to come out, come out. also, being premenstrual i'm not so great in the verbal department. so could've also just let my body speak and screwed the verbiage. i forget that that's an option.

a part of me feels like i should edit now and rewrite and solidify my ideas.
another part of me just wants to watch Dirty Dancing again.
i think i'll give in to the latter part.

dirty dancing

watched it again for the first time in years.
sobbed, cried, hard, hysterically. throughout the whole second half plus an extra hour afterwards.

amazing.

that "johnny castle" character.

i need to get a pair of keds and waist high jeans for the summer.

i feel like Baby.

i want to write a modern rendition of it.

how the world started

learned an incredible thing tonight from leah -

the moon's gravity is actually what created the earth!

i'm searching on wikipedia, but can't seem to find evidence to back up the theory.
that doesn't stop me from believing it's true.

entrainment

My first solo performance piece!
Created and performed during Heather's Instant Performance Writing Workshop - Sept 2009
(finally was able to transfer it over from my camera)

On second glance, I think I could've toned down the cursing, but it was improvised and performed on the spot and hey, the subject matter kind of calls for it...

a girl dances through brooklyn

created for Aunt Marianne

me tube

met with david, the guy who saw my last performance and had great things to say.
he has a youtube channel and wants to do some collaboration.

i was inspired last night to start a my own youtube channel, anonymously, so that i can feel free to post and not worry about people i don't want to watch watching.

apparently you can actually make an income by having a youtube channel with alot of viewers. that's not the reason why i'm doing it persay, but it would be a nice perk.

i'm just really interested in telling stories right now. unabashedly honest stories. i don't want to hold back.

what's on my mind is how that will affect my professional career as a counselor. creativity is such a part of healing and i don't think i should hold my creative expression back from my clients - we need to teach by example, right? - but i can't help but feel there would be some conflict of interest. maybe that has more to do with my feeling attached to the center right now. i'm beginning to loosen hold.

keep on writing

showed the piece (what am i going to call it?) at "Anything Goes" last night.
got encouragement to keep playing and keep writing - it's not time yet to dissect and get technical.
that's good to know.

doing more writing... including Mom and Men. (separate stories, however)

keeping the creativity flowing. was talking to Ben tonight about the creative process and how it relates even to business ventures. what keeps people interested in your products is when they stay fresh. there needs to be a continual energy flow and renewal process.

so with that in mind, i'm trying not to get stuck on preserving what i already did.
it's done.
more to come.

feedback, feedback

wow... i got 2 really awesome "reviews" thus far.
a little surprised, a little hard to receive as i feel somewhat undeserving (or maybe i'm just conditioned to feel that way?), but so thrilled and honored and grateful nonetheless.

***

Gri pp o is gripping. From the moment she walks out on the stage with her winning smile, lithesome body, and astounding presence you know you're in for a treat. It's no wonder her dad has a houseful of pictures of this daughter: it's hard to stop looking at her and on top of that, she has a storytelling voice that's captivating.

- Bonnie G

***

You nailed your piece. If I interpreted it correctly, it spoke to me about casual life, family, humor, unrequested success and the joy of tiny failures to add the spice of variety to your life. My favorite feature was the mirrored aspect of the performance. As if your monologue was echoed by your dance, perfectly.

Terpsichore daughter of Zeus, you are Muse.

You have such fire.

Let it burn.

Dance.

- Dave A

it hit me...

on the subway this morning, i think i discovered a link between my life experiences and the material i've been thinking about including in a longer show:

my commitment issues have led me to seek out a path that is all my own.
and i can inspire others to do the same.

not wanting to settle or box myself into anything:
ballet was too restrictive
couldn't decide on college major (chose individualized study instead)
holistic health counseling
different kinds of men, most of whom have their own commitment issues
seeking help from: psychics, tarot, etc.
aunt marianne as an inspiration

fear of being alone and the search to connect to others is also in there

and my one-woman show is another reflection of that all.

hmmm.

winter follies

Performance at Gowanus Arts Building as part of the 2010 Winter Follies Showcase.
1-23-10

click here for video

deep sigh

and the second one down as well!
i said a little prayer to the half moon before i got into the theater. thank you, moon.

this time i had a familiar audience - nuli, ben, natalie, our new friend gena -
really great to have their support. i was also nervous in a different way than last time. i had more time to practice and perfect things, and really was able to use the nervous energy in the piece. i moved around more during the monologue part and added fun things into the dance routine. i just watched the video of it on my camera (twice) and of course have a really critical eye. i want to work on my acting skills, really practice the impersonation of my dad so it gets better, be more in my body and more present, focus on the breath - which i seemed to forget to do. its a practice, like anything else. might be good to resume carol's class and just work on monologue stuff.
but all in all, as self-critical as i am, everyone seemed to enjoy it. i even had a stranger compliment me and ask if i wanted to work with him on a project. we'll see what that's about...

deep sighs of relief and pleasure. putting the inner critic away for now and let myself delight in the glory of just having had put myself out there.

1 show down

i did it!
was reviewing lines until the very last minute. got a few chuckles from the audience, felt good just to get it out there. and now i feel comfortable and have a base to work with. i think i can be more present, which will make it more honest.

its truly amazing how this whole process works. its really only by doing it, performing, that you can get anywhere. the audience is everything, in a way.

i didn't have anyone i know in the audience, which is good for a first run through. i spoke to a guy afterwards who was a friend of another performer friend and he gave me some feedback which was great. he said it worked overall and the parts about my dad were hilarious and tied in well. i should've asked him more about what didn't work, but oh well. tomorrow will be a new experiment!

i want to add in:
singing/lip-syncing to the song & dance part
maybe some movement to the monologue?
my hula hoop

theres a group of people coming to see me tomorrow, which makes me nervous and excited.
woo hoo!!!

the opportunity to suck at something

I'd like to use this opportunity to suck at something.

I grew up with a lot of pressure to be the best at everything I did, which mostly came from my father, I think. I was put here to live out his unfulfilled dreams or something.

My dad is an Italian immigrant, ex-drug addict, construction worker who spends more time than I do self-grooming, including getting regular manicures. He's also reads the Times and the NY Post cover to cover every day and is obsessed with peace signs. He powerwashed a peace sign into the driveway and also has one manicured onto his left pinky nail at all times. Every time I go home to visit he asks me to help him out in some kind of self-grooming habit. "Hey uh Jess, would mind uh just trimmin the back ova hea-" My mother can't be bothered.

Last time I went home I found a 4-foot tall pot plant growing in the backyard garden.
"Dad, what the hell is that."
"Uh, ya know, ah, it's nothing. Some guys from the job were -uh- joking around and had some -uh- seeds so I wanted to -uh- test it out, ya know, see what would grow."
He's the worst liar. I take after him.

When he's not in his hippied-out stoner zone ranting about politics, he's worshipping everything I do.

In about 2nd grade a wrote a short essay from the perspective of a fetus. "How warm and cozy it is in here! I don't ever wanna leave! Oh no- somethings moving, what's going on.. ahh!!" It won some kind of award in the writing contest that year, and so after celebrating the fact his baby girl was gonna be a famous writer one day, my dad had it framed and hung up in the living room, along with all the photos of me from school and ballet and the baseball team that he coached. To this day if you walk in their house, nothing has been taken down. Ya know how most families will replace the school picture every year with a new one? Well mine are all up there in a row so you get the yearly progression of my frizzy hair and GAP outfits.

Phone conversations with him are the best.
"Hey hun, how ya doin?"
"Oh ya know, I'm good, just started workin on a new dance piece-"
"AHH thank God! I knew you were gonna back into dance eventually. Rememba those shows you did at Studio Workshop? You were amazing! I swear da Gad, it was like a broadway production with you."
And he often checks in to see if I'm still writing.
"Your so TALENTED jess, you gotta keep writin. I wish I could put words togetha like you can. ya know. Keep it up, hun. Thats how Sylvester Stallone got started. After he wrote Rocky there was nothin getting in his way of bein the star of the movie."

I haven't quite put all the pieces together, but I think all of this must have something to do with my commitment issues.

So like I mentioned earlier, I'd like to dedicate this interpretive dance to Dad and to "sucking at something" just because I can....

starting somewhere

talked about art in a bar with nuli last night. she had some really great advice of how to approach a creative piece:

• start with things i already know
• be specific and small and personal

i can't touch on the larger issue of the female experience without coming from a particular story about myself and my experience. i can't talk about the moon without talking about it in a way that effects me personally. if there's no charge, emotional charge, there's nothing really.

nuli's photography work and anything she's ever done is all directed towards her mom, in trying to get her to really hear her, to get a new reaction. it's a theme that brings everything together for her.
being alone and commitment issues are 2 big ones for me. (being alone / feeling alone = underlying most things anyway)
when there's so much out there to choose from, where do you start? how do you stick with one thing? its the same with everything from restaurants to men.
being an only child, there was lots of pressure to be everything and do everything good.

hmm... more later.
i need to move my body now.

tarot helps

had a tarot session with Golda this morning and am feeling much better about the whole process and about my life in general. it's amazing what a deck of cards and an intuitive soul can reflect back to you.
when i asked about whether or not i should do the performance this weekend, her response was that i should. (if i don't want to, though, it wouldn't be a big deal) she said to "trust it will come to you. spend an hour or so beforehand and let it come to you." so simple, yet so hard to trust.
she described my work as earthy and feminine. even a moon card came up in the spread.
it seems like a sign that i might as well do this.

the healing power of creativity. taking things from the world and making them your own by giving them back to the world in a new way. keeping with the flow of life - taking in and releasing. trusting the body. shared human experience. create the mold rather than conforming to something outside of you.

deer in headlights

feeling completely unsure about the performance i'm supposed to be doing this friday and saturday.
it's now tuesday, and work has been so busy (or i'm just making it busy) - it's like there's so much to do all at once.
and what am i trying to say in this piece i'm going to perform? what do i need to say right now? how do i make it work? why am i even trying to do this? what business do i have getting up on stage for 5 minutes when i havent been rehearsing anything? practice, practice... the only practice i'm getting lately is in running around like a madwoman and also talking to clients and potential clients. i have not been dancing, or acting. i have been writing and reading and googling weird things at all hours of the night. building material, things below the surface. is now the right time to give it a chance to sprout?
ehhhhhh not sure!
realizing that i do not like working on my own. need a mentor/director/partner/group in all of this. glad to be start MGP with the girls from heather's workshop.

tidal acceleration

wikipedia says...

The Earth's day has increased in length over time. The original length of one day, when the Earth was new about 4.5 billion years ago, was about six hours as determined by computer simulation. It was 21.9 hours 620 million years ago as recorded by rhythmites (alternating layers in sandstone). This phenomenon is due to tides raised by the Moon which slow Earth's rotation. Because of the way the second is defined, the mean length of a day is now about 86,400.002 seconds, and is increasing by about 1.7 milliseconds per century (an average over the last 2,700 years). See tidal acceleration for details.

day calls